Transitions

As much as I hate that I am putting all of this into words, I feel as if I need to let it out. Don't get me wrong, nothing is "wrong," I'm fine, I'm happy where I am and with the people I am with. Actually, I am more thanhappy and feel truly blessed with the friendships that I have made. However, I can feel the transition(s) happening, and I hate it. I can feel the sadness, anxiety and anger that probably at some point will come out. I can feel the loneliness and the longing for the life I knew to come back, even though I know life as I knew it is gone. This is not a bad thing, but that is not easy to acknowledge. I found myself this afternoon feeling likea five year old wanting to kick and scream and pout. It was all about the"I wants." I want hot water available at all times. I want power to be available to me all the time. I want to be able to understand what people are saying at all times. I want to know where to go to get simple things for my apartment. I want, I want, I want. And the temper tantrum was all coming from the realization that life as I knew it is gone. Not in a negative way because this experience is everything I hoped it would be and everything it should be and more. However, for an experience to be real, to challenge you and force you out of your comfort zone, it has to push you tothe point of being uncomfortable. And that is what I am, uncomfortable. In a very clever way I feel that my supervisor has been giving me the time to get acquainted with being in a new country and a new culture. But the cleverness which I did not see is that I believe he knew that this point would come. And by giving me this time, it made me have to evaluate things
Because I know that if I stay unbelievably busy, which we are good at doing with our 55-hour workweeks, I won't have time to think. I won't have time to evaluate this experience and the relationships that I am having. But,cleverly, I have had to do these things. I'm not saying that I'm not doing anything, but as many know who have traveled outside the United States, we are one of the few countries that is so insane about the hours we work. We refuse to have time to think about anything else. Because of these evaluations, experiences, and relationships the five year old inside of me is fed up. I am thrilled to have my own apartment, but that also comes with responsibilities. And what I found happening this afternoon was that the 22 year old in me, the one desperately trying to stay the strong woman that I would like to believe I am, calmly listened to the fears. I'm not the only one that has ever gone through this. And this is not the only time that this will happen. The transitions that I have had so far are not easy and sadly no one can do it for you. But that is the point. I have to go through this. I have to take on these responsibilities. I have to welcome all of the experiences, good or bad. However this does not mean that I have to go through it alone. I have that choice, and luckily not only do I have you who are reading this, but I also have friends here who I know will be there for me. But it is too easy to ask the question, "why me?"